Thursday, November 4, 2010
why i write
I don't know if the title of my blog is curious to you.
But I want to speak to it, my writing of words and how this is a healthy new season for me. Or at least the first steps toward it.
I have always loved writing.
But I am also a perfectionist, and want what I create to be good. The best. I love being the very best.
I set myself up for failure because I can't always be that. And my words run dry because I can't write up to my own expectations. Or perhaps I can, and do, but in the process I lose the gift that expressing myself in the written word truly is, to me. I get so distracted by impressing others that I completely forget the necessary: making myself small and seeking to meet God in the gifts he has given me. Instead I tend to make myself big and seek a name, a reputation, an applause.
So, and unintentionally I think, about a year and a half ago I took a break. I lost my words for a season, or at least the motivation to put them on paper.
And in the midst of that season, I lost my dad.
I was the strong one in my family, for the first few months at least. I was the strong one, for everyone else, and then when taken away from people, the sadness would overwhelm me completely. I pretended to be okay, thought I was grieving in a healthy way, but I. Was. Not. It took a couple of visits to a counsellor to really get this through my thick skull.
My confession is this: I don't think I started this blog with the best intentions. I really don't. I wanted to use it to commend myself, to build myself up. And I don't think I am ever really that great at being honest with others about what I'm feeling and instead try to put a pretty face on it in an effort to convince them that this life with Jesus, it is what they need -- and even more so, that I am great, worthy, talented, the best. I am tired of trying so hard!
So I have begun giving those efforts up. Letting go.
And I want this place to be one where I am free to put my thoughts, sorrows, and joys into words without fear of what others may judge about me. I want this to be a freeing place. I can't think of a time when my expression and creativity has actually been freeing. But I know that it is possible.
And that is why I have subtitled this blog "learning to live, love, walk & WRITE on the other side of tragedy"... I want to learn to write, again, and in some ways, for the very first time.
May Jesus use this to restore & heal & give freedom.