Wednesday, January 12, 2011

a new year

2011 is here. It has been a while since I have had time to write.

Christmas was bittersweet. Seven days spent on the beach in the blazing Mexican sun, with my 'new' family -- my wonderful, warm, compassionate in-laws. It was a gift-trip, a Sabbath week, a time of grace given to us by my husband's incredibly generous grandparents. They are getting on in years, frail and fragile people, but so kind and I do feel like I am their's - their granddaughter, and loved.

Also awkward conversations that birthed insecurity and sadness, followed by tears alone in our hotel room in my husband's arms, but then grace. Grace upon grace, and good, encouraging conversations... Grace gives us room, room to heal, room to let go - grace gives me room to be myself.

Our time away was just what we needed. And I asked Him throughout if He would give us excitement, anticipation for coming home. He did.

What followed upon our return was a handful of really hard days. Call it a woman-thing, call it grief, call it stress... whatever it was, I was sad. I bawled for several hours one night, frustration and suffocation and sorrow and anger collided and left me in the fetal position. But my husband held me again, and let me cry, and told me we were going to be alright, that I have been hurt and so the wounds can tear open again with even a small thing. He is right.

I love him.

I am having better days, now. I love my job, my little buddy is a joy to work with and it is so rewarding to see him succeed. What a gift.

I am learning that it is okay to be vulnerable, and it is necessary in order to connect in community. I want to be a whole-hearted person. {Click the link and watch the video. It is worth the 20 minutes}

Already I have seen the answer to my prayer for a friend -- He has given many.

2011 is here, and I am here. I have a good Father who hears what I ask for even in the silly, back-of-my-mind desires, and speaks to me in ways that I can hear.

And all the time, grace.

Grace upon grace, and He sustains me.