my story

What I shared with my Kaleo community on our group blog the day after we found dad. I think what I wrote to them tells enough of the story, I don't feel the need to rewrite it. I have edited names for privacy.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Hey everybody. I've been preparing myself to post an update on here for probably a couple of weeks now. Little did I know that I would be sharing this news with you.

Most of you probably know already, by way of S's updates, etc, but for those of you who don't... Saturday night my wonderful, sweet, troubled daddy took his own life.

I've had a hard time even saying those words: I've lost my father.

Sunday morning, at about 7:20am L and I were woken up by the phone ringing and since we were slow, my mom started shouting into our answering machine: Ellie please pick up the phone, please pick up the phone.... so L ran to get it and my mom and sister were panicking on the other end, 'Please come here now, daddy's hurt himself, he's in the back shed"... So of course I try asking them if they've called the ambulance, and all that... She hung up before I could even get the full story of what happened. So L and I hurry out the door, thoughts running through our heads like he's had an accident with one of his tools, or something... so I called my brother (who lives about 3 hours away) and he picks up, turns out he is on the other line with my sister, and he said he would call me back. So it takes a couple of minutes for him to call back, and at this point I didn't know what happened fully yet (I had a gut feeling though) so I asked him and he told me.

We arrived at my parents house and there were cop cars outside, oh my goodness it was so surreal and ... just TRAUMA. The coroner arrived not too long after that as well as family members, had us all sit down & explained what the process looks like after someone commits suicide. That word... even... I keep seeing it in my head, that word spoken over my dad's life by the enemy. I kept thinking, this will be the most defining moment, the hardest thing I will ever go through in my life... and how do I live without my father? What will life look like now? For my mom, my sister, my brother, myself...

The last two days we have been surrounded by family, friends and PRAISE THE LORD His Church. We have stayed at this house, and I think it has been so good despite the fact that he did it here, the shed is still out back and everywhere we look we are reminded of him... but I think it has been really healing. It's been really hard for my sister though. Please pray that she would be comforted and feel peace as we prep for my mom and her to move to another home.

Last night was really hard. Everyone who slept here squeezed into my mom's room (three of us on a bed, two beds... that makes six) and just took turns comforting, weeping, sleeping...

What I find a bit of closure in is the fact that I know if my dad could turn back time, he wouldn't have done it. What it comes down to is that he made a bad choice - one that was greatly influenced by the lies of the enemy and feeling deep despair and hopelessness. He has been going through an extremely diffcult time for the last few months especially and admitted to being depressed but wouldn't reach out for help and didn't know how to get out of the pit. My mom had been finding it very difficult to cope, feeling so burdened but also so unable to do anything to help him... the choice to get better had to come from him.

I think the hardest part in all this is accepting the finality of all of it. He made a choice in a moment of desperation and it is irreversible. While were sitting in the living room the first morning and watching all of this happen around us like in a movie, I kept thinking that maybe it was all a mistake, that he hadn't really died, that he had gotten really low but decided to come out of it... I don't know if that makes sense. I guess what I have really been struck with is the reality of our choices, that they can be so easily influenced by the enemy and that we must choose to seek the TRUTH spoken over our lives.

"Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth"